thought

Life feels off at the moment, tho nothing has changed. I keep having this repetitive thought pop into my mind that is I should leave her and let them be happy alone as witch they were before.... before i screwed up their relation ship.... but i never could I love this woman so much i would be breaking my own heart but with that thought am I just being selfish? I know its a dumb thing and she would not wan me to think this and I try.... But they seem to much happier and seem to have such a better connection, and I get jealous of some thing something so stupid as i cant even say I love you on facebook. I dont know, I think its just all in my head and its me... like usual.

yes...... why so fucking dumb..... I feel so fucking bad... im such a fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOODDDD!!!!!!! GGGGGGUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....

You aginst the world, Diamonds and Pearls!!!!

kahlua... ;)

Oh this wonderful thing called kahlua... oh boy! I am no longer a kahlua virgin :D YAY!!!! THANKS MITCHELL! <3

...

So apparently not knowing my past hurts some people.... kind of makes me feel bad because i guess they dont know me that well because they dont know that chapter in my life, but in a way I feel the same way with them.

:|

Lalala! So i feel a little better about my self the last few days, I think one of the biggest things was feeling like a bum and not having a job but Michelle said to wait to find a job after we fine a new place so I wouldent have to relocate to a new job or something. I am some what excited to go back to Clinton but im also not that excited, but if I do go back I will see how it goes.

Hows it going?

Its going GREAT!!!!!!! It still really sucks, I love her a lot! And it still sucks that I can not just go up to her and just hug her and kiss her but still the kids and I understand but I feel that this relationship might go downhill.... I really hope not because I love this women so F@#king much! I miss her a lot, may if i get a job she will love me more because I will be bringing money into the house and I wont be such a low life. So I guess we will just see what the future holds i guess....yep...

A New Beginning?

Well my life has definitely changed, It is kind of nice tho something new and exciting, I an now living in Calgary and I like it a lot. There are days that I get homesick tho, but then i think no one tries to contact me at all really so then it kind of fixes the homesickness, so then it makes me think do they really miss me? meh w.e life goes on lol. So i need to start looking for a job soon, makes me feel bad and I do kind of feel like a burden here and somewhat of a 3rd wheel sometimes, but apparently im not so I brush that off as well. It does really suck that me and her cant be too publicly affectionate because of the kids, I understand but it sucks, kind of makes me jealous of todd but hes still an awesome person. I think that I need to be more outspoken, I think then I would feel a whole lot better then I do right now, but then I dont want to bother her about it because shes got a lot of shit on her plate and shes having a hard enough time with this already.... so i guess thats all for now.

wow

Wow! I see its been a long time since I wrote my last blog... So Ill catch you guys up, grad was awsome! one of the best nights ive ever had, the summer was very interesting I must say, alot of getting drunk among alot of other things, i became very good friends with the poepl I now live with (Todd, Jon, Michelle and thier kids) Michelle helped me get the job I now have at Petro Canada, its not a bad job I do like it alot actoully but im sure there are better jobs in the world :P but thank you Michelle, I really appreceate it. In september the four of is went to the states for about 3 nights, that was fun and it was kind of long tho lol we mostly survived on Monster energy drinks, I think that is because you could get almost 1L in a can for about $3 when here for a little can its $3.25. So now its Halloween, and Jon and Michelle are not together for this... I know its not my place to talk about it so thats all im going to say.... and im having a problem of my own... I like her... I think I love her... Im getting feelings like I did for my ex girlfriend Sam, I really wish that I did not like Michelle this much, not that I shouldent like her... well maybe I shouldent but because shes got her own life to figure out at the moment and I know it would NEVER EVER work out if I ever got the chance to be with her. I wish you could choose the people you liked, then I dont think anyone would ever get hurt, even when prople understand why they cant be together and they know it and accept it, it still hurts and drives them insane.
-sigh- jezze. i just hope that maybe not ever being with her will make not like her anymore...
I just wish I dident... thats all.

Woot!

yeah haw! so grad is this up coming friday and saturday, im kinda excited, i am but im also not beacuse one of my escourts cant come eanymore and the other might not beable to so im kinda sad, but im hoping kyle still can if not ill be very upset not with him but just in general beacuse he has to do some things himself for school. Well I hope it will turn out to be a fun time.

MSI...after

So I went to the MSI concert, I WAS AWSOME!!!!! to tell you the truth tho I was more excited for the other band that was there, The Birthday Massacre they rocked! They play an awsome preformance, they are from toronto, I was happy to find out they are canadian. While The Birthday Massacre was playing me and my friends were in the mosh pitt and there was this one little chick who punched my friend kirstie in the head purposly....you dont actouly try to punch someone in a mosh pitt not how it works but eanyways, she punched my friend so i pushed her, then she punched me in the head....it made me angry, we started going at it sorta but ashe backed down. I we went over to sam (kirsties gf) and out friend tina, and we told them what happened, and sam dident like her gf being punched to they went over to her in the pitt and yeah ended up making her leave, the pitt was fun after she left. It was a good show, it was a good day actouly befor the concert we went to granvil and hastings to look at stuff in the stores, there was about 10 of us that all bused and skytrained it there..on the way home we took up the whole back of the bus. The people I was with were quite entertaining there was a moth on the bus on the way home and everyone was trying to catch it, they ended up killing it trying to cath it :( oh and this is a little gross, there was a tim bits box on the bus with some tim bits in it still and someone dared someone to eat one and she did, then a few other had some....i thought it was funny but gross. So yeah that was June 1st, it was fun :)

MSI...befor.

:D So, IM EXCITED!!!!
I get to go see the bands Mindless Self Indulgence and The Birthday Massacre on June the 1st, its my first concert since warped tour 06 so im looking quite forward to it. Im going with my friends kyle not adam cuz he cant handle big loud crouds what a baby and todds coming :D also
other friends mac and caity. The concert is at the CCC (croatian cultural center) in vancouver, I think we will be busing and skytaining it there thats always fun except for the coming home part, it take TOO long and your tired after lol. The CC is a good place for shows but its so hot in there, I saw hedley there befor it was good, but yes im excited for this weekend I guess this is for my birthday :)

yay!

WOOT Happy Birthday To Me :D
yes im spechial saying happy birthday to myself :P
but meh w.e so im finnaly 18 WOOT! i can buy porn and go into adult stores WOO HOO!
wish I was 19 tho, it would be better but that mean I have one more year to look forward to it.

Long weekend!

Current Song Playing: Kiss Kiss Kill Kill - The Horrorpops

So this long weekend im going down with some people to Hill Top Gardens to help plant some veggies and such, im sure its going to be fun apparently there is a party after, im looking forward to it. My parents had people over from the coast that we have known since I was 4 and I was telling them im going planting this weekend and the lady asked me where and I told her and she was like WHAT?! really im going to! it was weird she knows my friends brother that lives there...its such a small world!

Relax...

Current song playing: Walking With Strangers - The Birthday Massacre

Yesterday my stepbrother, my sister and I went for a drive to Green Lake for about an hour, it was nice, ive never been there befor but it was nice beacuse it was relaxing. It was nice and quiet it was nice to get away from the huse after school, i never do that i hope that we can do it more often and it was nice to bond with them to. :P

blah!

Sometimes I wish that my family dident care that im bisexual, i know people have fredom of spech and there are alot of people that hate "gay" people but it hurts the most when its your family that kinda dosent like you for it or even them hating people that are gay...hows that suposto make me feel....do you hate me to?......

Grad tip 08

So i went on my grad trip this weekend it was quite a hook, I had lots of fun I hope everyone eles did. We did alot of things so this is just going to be a short blurb about it we went paintballing, shopping, movies, playland, go karts and rode bikes on the sea wall i cant really remember if we did eany thing eles rightnow lol my favorite things were paintballing, riding bikes on the sea wall and playland and movies, I saw 2 movies this weekend one was The Rolling Stones "Shine A Light" that was pretty good, I dident really like them till then, and Mic Jagger with his hit movment wow lol I also saw Prom Night that was also pretty good I liked it, I was the only one out of Jazz, Sam and Teri that the movie dident bug me lol they were kinda jumping and such.
so yeah thats my quitck blurb buh bye.

30 Hour Famine

So today is the 30 hour famine, and im in 3rd class and im doing alright, sorta hungry, but by tonight i know that i will be really hungry. I can wait for tomorrow morning, FOOOOD! I really want a burger soo badly! maybe this weekend sometime i will go get one, ive been craving one for a few days and today is worse:P

April 5-6th

current song playing: Killa - Cherish Feat. Yung Joc

So this weekend was pretty interesting, on friday did nothing so that dosent matter but on saturday, jane was suposto come to my house but I ended up getting piucked up by Michelle and Todd, then we went to janes and got her, Brad was there to but then he had to go home. Latter that night there were some arguments between a few peoepl but thoes got resolzed in time i supose, the rest of the night was fun, we all stayed the night at Jon and Michelle's. Teri and Justin K slept on the couch and then me Todd, Travis and Jane slept in a room, I kinda tripped out when I woke up beacuse I fell sleep with Todd beside me then I woke up with Jane next to me, was kinda todd. I dident end up geting to sleep till 8 in the morning then everyone was awake by about 10:30 in the morning, i thought it was like 11 something, when i saw the clock i was like OMG are you serious! So sunday, we drove Jane home and then drove to Cache Creek and got A&W then back to clinton to get ready for the day then we were off to Kamloops to see a movie. I called Kim Teri's sister she came with us, befor the movie we stoped at A&W and saw Tonya Buis... I belive thats her name, not too sure if i spelt it right, but yes we saw her was nice to see her shes a nice girl. Then we were off to the movies and we saw10,00 BC missed the first few mins because Teri wasent doing soo good for some reson, she was woozy and fell over, was kinda scarry but after some water and food she was much better. The movie was really good I was expecing for it not to be...so good. I recoment you go and see it!!! after the movies we went and saw Kyle at his house and Ryan was there, was nice to see them also, we followed then to husky they tryed to loose us by going down a bunch of roads but they dident lol and yes, that was my wonderful weekend! I wish there was some more sleep tho.

My spring break.

Current song playing: Is It You - Cassie

So im not too sure what I should write about...hrmmm well i dont think i sumed up my spring break so ill do what I remeber now. Well it was fun, i was there for a few days then my gf at the moment, i think we rished things by going out befor meeting witch was kinda dumb lol but her name is Tanya she was cool, im glad i got to meet her, but i broke up with her on easter...i dident even know it was easter. I think she hates me now, I broke up with her because i just dident feel the same as she does, but i still love her, but as a friend. Shes one of my bes friends, i can tell her pretty much eanything, but shes not talking to me for awhile to apprently get over me, but w.e shes gotta do what she needs to do. She was gone by the first friday of the break...thats when we started to relly have are fun, we as in me and kyle mostly and adam a bit, but he worked pretty much everyday but mondays a tuesdays so meh w.e. Eanywho yeah me and kyle were having fun by then, we went to the mall lots and hungout with kirtie and sam, and went and saw joey at Eva's Pizza (where he works, hes the mannager, i think thats kinda scary to tell you the truth :P) it got boring sometimes but meh, better than doing nothing. We got stoned, kirstie bought a houka or hoever you spell thoes things, thoes are so awsome! I want one so bad! but one with 4 toubes coming out of it. It was kinda bad also... I did some other stuff that i dont know if i should say on here...but just to let you know i only do them on occasions. There was 4 days in a row that I did drugs, im not saying im proud of it, but it was fun. Okay well fisrt befor tanya came down to Maple Ridge Adam, Kyle and I did mushrooms, it was a good night, we walked from 232nd St to Laity St witch really is 211St....so i guess its not really that far but it is when you walk the back roads like we did. We kept getting confused if we were by Maple Ridge secondary School cuz all the roads look the same back there, it was kinda funny. Alright now back to the 4 day bindge, Satuday me and kyle did 2 hit of acid, it wasent the best ive ever done, but it was good, we hung out with kirstie all day cuz adam was at work and so was sam (kirsties gf) so we wandered around town, me and kyle trippin a bit, we stoped at this park to smoke a joint and we saw out friend mack (i havent seen him in SOO long, probouly years) and yeah it was cool, he kinda looked funny cuz he shved his eyebrows and he was letting them brow back lol but he had to go gameout he said so he left, he looks so hardcore but hes such a dork lol. After that this girl came to the park and she sat on the bench and she was sketchin out, she was starting to tripp me out... so we were getting up after a bit to leave and the girls liek oh your leaving?!? were liek yeah.... she said we were keeping her feel calm or something uz her and her friend just went out and sray painted stuff on purpose, she said she was with a friend and she thought he followed her cuz she ran and yeah we told her to find her friend and she said she couldent cuz shes on probation, like what an idiot? Later we found out that adams works sign was spray painted, they did his work, was weird how things that night sorta fell togehter like that lol, we went to joeys work to see him and sam (they work together) and we went out the back of the building to smoke a joint and the back door looked like a dungen door, i was liek are you joking? and there was this big metal bar across it to keep it shit liek thoes dungen door and kirstie was trying to take it off, was one of the most funniest things I have ever saw, was so weird when she finnaly opened the door, I was actouly half expecting something other than a back alley, thats only because of the acid tho. So i think thats enough about saturday, the next day me and kyle did nothing much, saw kirstie and sam at thies house for a bit, then went and met adam at his work and we made mushroom eat, its actouly pretty good, I only got a buzz going off that but thats okay, I was tired that day eanyways. OH to cut in, on the friday just befor this Todd asked my if he could go down with my mom so he could hangout with me and meet the rest of my friends I said oh yeah sure, i was SO surprized that he actouly came with my mom down. I was actouly really happy he came I thought that it was going to aqward but it was fine, everyone got along fine. I also ended up doing MDMA with kyle and adam thoes last 2 days I was there while todd was with us, it was a fun 2 days the second day that he was down we went and got my grad dress we met kyle up at the mall and he took pictures, ficken kyle. lol After that we went and saw joey then he had to go back to work so me todd kyle and sam hung out till adam got off work then we went back to kyles and we all hungout till we had to leave the next day. I had a fun spring break, of my and todd are again again now lol teri and michelle said they knew we would come back together, I think im fallin pretty hard for him, im trying not to but hes kinda all I can really think about, its weird for me and this might sound weird for you but, its kinda weird for me because I have never felt so stonf about a boy befor, only a girl so its kinda weird for me, but im taking it very slow. Kyle and adam like him alot, they want me to keep him around for awhile :P